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I'm 37 now, some circumstances are different, but it amazes me in 3 years, I am still feeling a lot of these emotions.
Potpourri, this blog is all over the place
Current mood:
depressed
These are the times......A lot of this is copied and pasted from my OTHER blog, but I thought for those of you who never made it over there I would share some thoughts that are still quite relevant to me now.depressedThe weaker my guard is the more frustrated I become with the kids, I feel so guilty about because I know this cannot be easy for them either, but I haven't had a moment's peace or quiet ALONE. Just simple things are really setting me off. Nicole changing her clothes 5-6 times a day, she found a bottle of the most godawful perfume EVER and sprayed the shit out of it, I am extremely nauseated and have a roaring headache, all the windows are open but the smell will NOT lighten up even a little! Now I know what a packed senior cruise ship smells like! Their constant inability to sit still, the yelling, whining, tattling, total defiance literally pushing every nerve button. And guess what? I am their only resource and "go to" person, so I can't fly off the handle and give it all up like he has. How unbelievably selfish and narcisstic of him! He really ought to be ashamed of himself!
My 12 year old is having regular periods now, and wearing bras! Where did THAT time go??? My firstborn is a teenager now. Amazing. Shannon was such a difficult and horrid pregnancy, so much so that I can recall that like it was yesterday. From the second I found out that she was on the way, to when the last toe of hers exited my body and into the world I threw up, had horrible morning (my ass) sickness, in the Dr's office 2 times a week for IV fluids because I kept nothing down, followed by the agonizing 38 hour marathon labor, she did have mercy on me somewhat during delivery by allowing her entrance intpo the world with only a few pushes *golf clap*And now here she is, my daughter. My beautiful creation. I know mothers of only sons will disagree with me, but truly there is nothing like having a daughter. I am lucky enough to have 2 girls, and watching Shannon grow all these years is (cliche' coming) bittersweet. How? Well I have some vivid, some not so vivid memories of her as a baby, the catnapper is what she was. The days and nights just melted into one big, exhausting blur because for the first 4-6 months of her life I could not get her to sleep any longer than 30-45 minute stretches. I was only 22 at the time and still a kid myself and here I had this baby that not only needed my full attention but demanded it. And I only wanted to give it to her when I damn well felt like it. Yeah THAT worked right? But then there also those moments of cradling her tiny little body against mine, smelling that soft sweet downy head of hair and planting kisses on her tiny little nose. Those are the memories that will always remain with me as I get ready to celebrate her becoming a young woman. (BTW it takes nothing short of a grenade to get her out of bed now!) She has made me a better person and the world is so much brighter with her in it.
Now as I sit and contemplate what's next, my mind wanders to a time when I only needed to look out for myself. My parents always told me that I shouldn't take childhood for granted because as much as I hated it then, when you're an adult there will be moments when you want it back. Oh I sure do. When heartbreak only lasted until the next cute guy came around, instead of now where I have been crushed for months and it's a hell of a pill to swallow because it isn't going away anytime soon. But for me, I have no choice because I have kids that depend on me, so depression really isn't an option but at the same time it's unavoidable, I know they know, but you can't cry on your kids' shoulder, even if they do try to offer support God love them, it is not for them to be a part of and it would be selfish to put them in that boxing ring so to speak.
A lady from my church called wanting to update some info on me, everything was OK until she asked me when my wedding anniversary was. I could not utter a word, my mouth went dry, my heart sank and I burst into tears. She felt so terrible she didn't know the situation, and once I started telling her I couldn't stop cryng, it was like a dam had burst. It's everywhere and I can't hide from it. People are going to ask, gossip, notice, pretend to support you when the ulterior motive is to get the juice on you so they can feel better about themselves and be glad it isn't happening to them. Whatever. Then there are those who could get a rat's ass what you're going through and think you're nothing but "drama" You think I wouldn't LOVE more than anything to be drama free? Seriously? Do you think I enjoy taking medication to keep me on an even kiel? Sleepless nights? Self doubt? Blame? Seriously, if you don't want to hear it then just make it easy on yourself and don't ask, because right now I feel like I am standing buck naked in the middle of a typhoon.
Whether she is aware of it or not, my dear stepmom is doing her best to offer support and encouragement, but still has to toss me that famous curveball of hers pinning some of the blame on me. I am so sick and tired of her telling me how "screwed up" and "scarred for life" my kids are going to be because of this, and how I need to put them in this counseling, and take them to this counselor, blah blah blah. Seems no matter what I say, or what I do it's wrong. I did NOT ask for this to happen! yet I seem to be taking the fall for some of this. I am still picking up the pieces while taking care of 2 little kids, becoming self sufficient, and keeping them out of it as much as I possibly can. I save my tears for when they go to bed, I cry bitterly. I question God, yes you heard me I have asked Him why this is happening, I KNOW he didn't do this to me but I sometimes can;t help but feel like I am being punished for something. I have even pleaded with God to punish me some other way, but not like this. I have been on my knees, hands in the air face up to the sky pleading with God to make this all better, but I have got to get a grip and realize it isn't God at all. He will get me through this, not out of it but through it.
I have had just about every emotion you can imagine, from crushed, hurt, angry, scared, distraught, sad, homicidal, vengeful, sorry, etc. But no matter which emotion it is at the time, the confusion is always there. It is so frigging easy for others to tell me I am better off, he's an asshole, blah blah blah....be that as it may I loved him and you cannot take that away from me or tell me how to feel, how I SHOULD feel, why am I still crying over this, he was abusive to me, he was a child in a lot of ways, hardly a father to our kids. LOOK I know this, believe me I know all of this and I would love to just wake up and feel nothing but refreshed and bursting with fruity goodness!!! Oh how I wish....but this is the real world, this isn't a 2 hour chick flick with a happy ending, and I walk down the street in a flirty skirt and sunglasses doing a happy "I don't need the son of a bitch" dance as people smile and nod in approval. This is real, where getting out of bed everyday and facing a new one is a challenge. Where putting on a false happy mask for my childrens' sake feels like the biggest lie I ever told. Food doesn't taste good, the sun isn't shining, and the funk I am weighs on me like a 400 pound weight. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments where I perk up and want to take on the world and I am...slowly slowly slowly I am picking myself up and dusting off the remnants of failure. Getting self sufficient, but also realizing I am 34 and single. Again. I realize 34 doesn't sound all that old but when you have had 2 husbands fail you, 5 children that depend on you, parents still treating you like you're 4, "friends" you have decided to drop because the negativity was causing you to lose your will to live, and you are back to square 1...34 is pretty damn old.
I really want to share this with anyone who wants to read and follow along. Get a candid look inside a real brokenheart, dealing with everyday slipups, finding who your friends really are, and most of all finding who YOU really are. I hope you stick around.
